If your parents haven’t reminded you this again today, then let me -- times have changed.
Gone are the days of “dear” and in are the days of “basic bitch” and “bae”. Doom is upon us? I’d pretty much say so. But I’d also say lets keep an open mind and respect that like your messed up self, the English dictionary is also trying evolve. And here’s what the romantic lingo has come down to...
Did someone barf in the corner? I’ll clean that reaction up once I explain what the internet is talking about. “Bae” in Danish means poop but to the world it now means boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other who I care to acknowledge in public and especially on Instagram. Don’t worry, I have been there and I admit to using this disgrace of a word as a hashtag. But it’s an easy temptation because it is the shorter version of “babe”, right? We can’t possibly spend another microsecond typing an additional letter in 2017, #hellnobae, that is so 2010.
Nah, I am not talking about the “jelly” on your sandwich or the jam on your ham. Being “jelly” is a new internet slang for being jealous or being a hater. If you can’t imagine the type of person using this word, then I am always here to enlighten you. They are the kind of person that has a savings account for butt implants, sends you travel selfies with her “bae” and warns you not to be “jelly”. I am sure you have a friend like that, I know I do, on the block list.
This is the kind of newly invented word/concept that makes me want to smack someone in the face. Okay, fine. Maybe the concept of meaningless sex with women you don’t claim has been around since the “players” of my time. But calling her your “sidechick” is even worse than her being your closet mistress. A sidechick is claimed but as a side piece that isn’t worthy of being your “main chick” or girlfriend. Really? Talk about a new low for humanity and how we respect each other as individuals.
Lets move on to happier things like a Manicorn. A manicorn is basically Ryan Gosling. The perfect man. He is the kind of man that is compassionate when you have cramps and rough when you want to be checked. He is the elusive perfect male that only your girlfriends seem to find, (sorry for being “jelly” about this). But you get the idea. He is found at bars taking care of his drunk friends and he asks you about your day not the kind of underwear you are wearing.
This is what I call a bonus explanation -- the two in one. Thirsty is not what you are in the middle of the desert. But thirsty is what you are called when you are desperate for the opposite sex’s body fluids. Desperate, Becky. Thirsty means desperate for sex. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the “THOT” part. “THOT” was obviously invented by men (who happened to be rappers) and carried on by some very “jelly” girls to call a sexually active girl -- “that hoe over there”. So, basically, a girl who happens to be in the vicinity and is perceived to be easy equals to the stupidest sexist acronym invention ever.